the•truth•shall•set•you•free

If it has been an especially bright and cheery day for you and you are exhilarated that Tao Li is possibly gonna make history for singapore, I suggest you leave this blog now for more palatable reads elsewhere. Otherwise, be warned.

It has been a long long while and I'm writing now not having any idea what is the message I want to put across via this post. I'm not even sure what I'm gonna write about, thus the title. Many months have come and gone and many things have happened in my life that on one hand, I wish I'd forget them, yet on the other, they've all taught me invaluable lessons and helped shape a certain part of me. I searched at length for a suitable title for this post, or rather, a word that can aptly embody all that has transpired within the past few months. Well, for want of a better word, Exasperation comes the closest. And before we carry on, let me forewarn you that this post might leave you exasperated, because I'm just gonna write what comes to my mind at the point of typing.

The year began without much aplomb and continued its monotonous journey through January, February and their counterparts. It threatened to stretch me to the limits when I had to take half of the secondary 4 graduating classes and the entire secondary 5 cohort for mother tongue. It was a truly stressful period, what with lazier students who, ironically, think they are smarter than my previous batches of students. For those who've been paying attention in my class, I've always shared this idiom “勤能补拙”. So for slower folks like me, I work hard. Very hard. And I did slog my way through my secondary school years to attain the not-too-bad results I had. But some students just refused to face the fact that they might not be that smart, yet they still stubbornly chose to tread on sluggish waters.

It left me both worn out and exasperated trying to get many, not a few, to come for remedials or do their work properly or study for their tests. At the end of it all, a certain part of me felt I've wasted my efforts. I might as well have spent my precious mornings and afternoons either arriving in school later or going back home earlier. I'm writing all these just before the release of the mother tongue o levels results just so that people do not think I'm trying to shirk my responsibility should these intelligent folks fail to do well. And for the record, not all who came for remedials gave trouble. There were the few who made it seem all worthwhile and I've already expressed my compliments for their efforts and I sincerely pray and hope they will receive due rewards for their hard work.

And to the rest receiving their first set of o levels results, my prayers have been with you, since the beginning of last year, when we began the journey to the Os and the prayers never stopped right up to this moment. I must admit there were many moments when I was gripped with fear and a severe lack of faith that we might not do well when I looked at the physical side of things. But I feverishly held on to the belief that you reap what you sow, which is biblical. Thus, with my ultra shaky faith and God's mighty intervention, favour and blessings, we shall look forward to excellent results. Amen!

Students also disappoint me when they fail to turn up for cca without any valid excuse, or worse still, an indecent sense of responsibility. Many sms-es were spent persuading a certain individual to come. Options, compromises and leeways were made available to him and yet all he could manage was a disgustingly irritating 'i dunwan 2 go lah.. why muz u keep forcing me?!' At those moments, I felt 'man, wat am i doing.. begging students 2 come 4 cca..' And we are talking about a niche cca here. Hey, c'mon, people should be fighting to join such an excellent cca! But no, that was not to be. Another group of students decided to back out of a camp last minute and I questioned their sense of priority and commitment. Why? Because all three were my student leaders. And there I questioned myself: Have I failed that badly as a teacher-in-charge? Things seemed to be getting out of hand after I took over. I tried to pacify my pride by suggesting maybe it is just the cohort of students, which I'm beginning to think so more and more.

So at the beginning of the 2nd semester, I chided the entire cca, if all bothered to be present, especially those who thought they are the world that the cca's existence depended on them. (Please dream on.) I shared my heart and my life with them, yet in the end I wasn't sure how much of that stuck on them. Really, I think I worked really hard for the cca. I poured my heart and soul into everywhere I could possibly be involved in. This is not to say the other teachers did not pour their hearts and souls into the cca. I have an excellent team of teachers who are highly committed and they never shy away from challenges and last minute arrows and I'm really thankful to them, for in their absence, I would cease to function effectively as well.

And the part of my life that I shared with them, I shall now share it here. There was one night I sent out an sms to some close friends who've stood by me all these years. In it, I wrote that I felt really under the fire and my faith was waning and things at home are really tearing me apart. All I asked for was a sincere desire to change for the better, even if it is in the smallest way possible. Yet even that was too much to ask for. I felt my heart really aching (and I now truly know the meaning of 心痛) and I felt helpless that all I could do was raise money and be a loan-paying machine.

So the onslaught of attacks on my faith and inner man came like the splashes of paint and writings outside my house - waves after waves, in increasing intensity. First, they splashed blue paint. (It was yellow and red previously.) Then they wrote on the walls. Not just our wall, but our neighbours' as well. And not just on walls, but the elevators as well. I knew I was not that bothered about my flat number being exposed to everyone who passed by the lift landing, which was, well, everyone. I was irate and furious that there was no attempt at trying to better the situation, in whichever way possible. No, the person in question just chose to be silent and extremely unloveable.

And then the hardening of my heart began. Indifference set in. It was too much pain to try to appeal through emotions and relationships each time. It was easier to stay silent. Maybe that is why the protagonist chose to do that. But really, just by thinking that it is all your fault and saying useless things like 'just leave me alone and get on with your life lah..' DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM AT ALL! But I could not make the person see that. And that was when I felt my prayers weren't going anywhere and there was a crisis of faith.

So to those who've seen me without a smile on my face recently, to which I gave the excuse that I was tired, which was highly believeable, I apologise for my half-truth and the fact that if I had to explain to you, it would dig up alot of emotions all over again and I would feel very agitated. But not that I'm ashamed to share with you. If you are genuinely concerned and ask me, and we have time, I would much covet your prayers, if we are brothers or sisters in Christ. Otherwise, I do not usually mind sharing my life anyway.

And to the students who think life is hard just because you are scaling Mount Os, wake up. When I was in school delivering a boring lesson or a well-prepared one, or trying to get the cca up and running well again and scolding people during practice, I had many boulders on my shoulders you could not see. But so what? Life goes on and you just learn to tackle life's challenges as they come. Not by giving lousy excuses that you are tired or you have a headache or some lousy stomachache.

It has been tough. And my faith has indeed wavered. But I'm thankful God has not. He is faithful and just. And He has seen me through the past 8 months. And I'm thankful He works inspite of me and in ways I cannot see.

Pardon me for this long and depressing post. I wish you had not read it but if you are reading this right now, thank you for your time and have a good day. We have many more battles ahead.