Recently, my financial problems caught up with me again, and I was left to survive on $3.42 for the remaining 2 weeks of the month. Truth be told, I'm not sure where I spent all the money, but one thing is for sure - a large part of it went into the payment of all the bills and debts.
Anyhow, recently, a lady from a certain bank (which organizes marathons, one coming up in Dec) called me. In fact, 2 of them (from the same bank) called me at different times, which made me wonder if they really did know I needed the cash. Incidentally, the package they offered me was practically catered for me - akin to an oasis in the desert called Debts, it offers the (much-welcomed) cashflow to pay off credit card bills and the like. Initially, I turned down the lady quite adamantly, coz I never really had faith in such phonecall deals. However, after thinking about it, I thought, 'Why not?' So I called her up again and took up the offer and had her send me the necessary documents, albeit knowing that my poor (read: ridiculously bad) credit history would somehow set me back.
However, I also somehow felt a certain sense of confidence that I might get it, since it seemed to have dropped onto my lap at such a time when I really needed the money. I had been rather late in my payment of another bank's bills, and they are threatening to take legal actions*. Plus I also wanted the extra cashflow to pay for my upcoming trip. (Well, you might be asking why am I going for a trip [to china, no less] when I'm barely surviving my debts/bills. Well, my answer to that would be - sometimes, I just feel like heck-ing it, and this happens to be one of those times).
With the (un)founded confidence, I prayed to God, thinking it might be Him who is providing for me in this manner. I really was trusting the Lord for a miracle, coz I knew w/o His intervention, I was never going to get past my lousy credit history. And pray I did, for many days, confidence still unshaken, until the day the rejection letter came in. Though I was kinda disappointed, I knew its all in God's plan and provision, and that it was never mine to begin with. So in that sense, I wasn't too worked up when I realized I was not going to get a lump sum in my bank any time soon. But it did lead me to think about my finances for the rest of the month.
So I turned my attention to the paycheck for the N levels marking I went for. Many times before, when I was down to my last penny, God came through in the most amazing ways by providing finances that literally popped up out of nowhere. He is
that amazing. So I was rather unfazed by the fact that I was walking around w/o cash. I knew my Lord provides in His own special ways. Thus, I thank God that I was not panicking, but was instead learning to trust Him more and more and have Him increase my faith more and more too. Thus, even when my friends told me the paycheck wouldn't come in so soon, in my heart, I was still trusting and holding on to my very present help in my times of need - God.
So I continued to pray for my finances, and lo and behold, the paycheck came in this week, the 2nd of the 2 weeks I had to survive with $3.42. Usually, when money comes in at my needy times, I would draw out almost all the money to prevent any amount from being deducted further. However, this time round, God chose to bank in the money on the same day as the deduction of some payment - a whopping (at least to me, now) $250 out of the $374.50#. As such, I was not in time to withdraw the money to prevent the $250 from being deducted. In my mind, I was like, 'No!', and I was quite sianz that that money got deducted. If not, I would be able to live quite comfortably on $300+ in the coming week (though I am still able to live comfortably on the remaining $124.50). I guess I just wanted to feel that much more secure with more money in my bank.
Which led me to realize I seem to feel 'happier' when my pay comes in each month, when I have money in my bank. I feel more secure. And when my cash starts to dwindle, I feel less secure, even to the extent of feeling less confident of myself. I was placing my confidence in how much money I have in my bank! Ooh, what a shocking revelation. How shallow can I be. And there was still all that talk about increased faith in God. And I constantly feel this way, even though time and again, I've experienced God providing in very timely ways during my times of need.
Oh Lord, I need a greater revelation of Your great love and Your sovereign plan for me!
*Incidentally, the legal letter just came in, telling me to pay up, or they'll start charging me (in court, that is).
#The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised. ~ Job 1:20.
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